Election Day
by Lizzaphor
Summary: Billy is running for president, and everything looks great, but then he finds out who his apponent is, Carlisle! Who will win, Billy or Carlisle?


**A/N Wow, I'm finally writing this! WOOT! Sadly enough, I own NOTHING! Well, except for this screwed up plotline. I'm sick, and it sucks. This one shot is dedicated to Emmett is my baby, because we all love turtles! (Sorry, inside joke, I'll try not to add these in.) Oh, guess what? Mermaids were once manatees! That's what I learned on Diego featuring Dora. Well, sorry for the babbling and uber long author's note. On with the story!**

**JakPOV**

Wow, um, wow.

Billy is running for president. The weirdest part is, he's _winning._

I always thought America didn't want a fat president. Well, that's what Emmett told me, anyways. (When I told him this, he said that he's losing weight and he's on Curves for Women, and Weight Watchers. He asked me if I wanted to see his manly curves, I told him, no, and ran away.) If he wins, he'll be proving me and Emmett wrong. Oh, well.

But, seriously, though, he's winning! He's the first choice for republican president. Whatever a republican is; I thought he was a _werewolf daddy. _That's what it says on his underwear; I have to help him put it on, he's old and is in a wheelchair.

Well, today is talking in Oregon. You know what? If they ever made a movie about me, Bella, and Edward's love triangle, they should shoot it there. It's perfect!

It would be a hit, everyone loves triangles, especially with an average looking human with a really low self esteem, a wicked hot werewolf who's really good at fixing really old and ugly cars, and a wicked sexy vampire who has a wicked hot vampire family, and can read minds, and I hear has many talents, if you know what I mean.

Or maybe, someone should write a series about our love triangles, and I'll become creepy in the last one, (which has sex on, like, every other page,) and I'll fall in love with Bella and Edward's child when she's like, five minutes old. And she has to have a really weird name, like Urmama! Or something along those lines. Then, they should call it Twilight, yeah. I also like the idea of New Moon, Eclipse, or even Breaking Dawn. Yeah.

So, anywhoosies, Billy and I rode on a _really _pretty plane that went Zoom, Zoom, Zoom!

"Jacob, you are not a four-year old! Stop running around on the plane, pretending you can fly and running up and down the aisles! It's not right! Now come over here, your favorite show is on, Veggie Tales. Hurry or you'll miss the theme song." Billy said.

I sat down, and sang along to the beautifully written theme song, Edward must have written it.

We were on the plane for two hours. When we got off, a really big hot pink limo came to pick us up; it was Billy's request for the color of it.

I drank warm soda that I conveniently pulled out of a paper bag that I pulled out of my pants.

"Want some?" I asked Billy.

"Um, no thanks," he replied.

"Suit yourself," I mumbled.

Billy and I pulled in front of a big building, and there was three podiums set up.

Pulling in front of the big building was a black Mercedes.

"Yucky, what's that's smell?" I asked.

"Shut up, Jacob, my son, it's just some vampires." Billy informed me.

"Yummy," I told him.

He gave me a weird look.

"Oh, God! What smells like wet dog?!" Emmett yelled.

Wait, Emmett, where the hell did _he_ come from?

"Daddy, where did Emmett come from?" I asked my trustworthy father.

"His mommy's belly," Billy replied.

"Ooga booga!" Emmett yelled in my ear.

I bit him.

"Ouchy!" he yelled, and ran away.

The Cullens were here, yucky, that means Edward's here, shudder mentally.

The most amazing man came up, George W. Bush. He smiled and waved as he came up behind the third podium. He said, "Come on down, Billy Black!"

My dad wheeled up to the podium and started to speak.

"Yo, I am the chief of the Quilloets. I have a set of twin daughters, and one son. Their names are Rachel, Rebecca, and Jacob. My wife died in a car accident, I don't know anything else about her, because_ SOMEONE_ never wrote anything about her! Anyways, (sorry for the outburst, folks.) Also, I'm down with the kids, yo! I'll change stuff! Also, I'm old! Woot diddy woot woot!" He speecheded.

Everyone started clapping really hard.

Bush was sobbing, "That was so beautiful," and making, 'call me' gestures. Carlisle looked like he was in some seriously big crap, and couldn't get himself out.

I went up, and wheeled him away.

I waved to the camera guy, and said, "hi Canadian Uncle John," and "save the harp seals! Oh, and the wolves, too!"

Bush stood up at the podium and yelled, Dr. Carlisle Cullen, come on down!"

Bush sat down.

All the lights went down that were around us, and the sun went out, so it got really dark. Then, the song, "I'm Too Sexy for My Shirt" came on.

Carlisle danced down the aisle, and sang along to the song. He started to take of his shirt, and a spotlight followed him. When he got on stage, the song changed to, "Gimme More," and foggy stuff went off around the stage. Then, lights went on behind him, showing four really sexy girls on poles, spinning around doing exotic dances. The four girls were familiar; I recognized Esme, Rosalie, Alice, and Bella!? Damn, she's a vampire now! Then, Emmett, Edward, Jasper, and Carlisle took the girls of the poles, and danced. Then they all (except Carlisle,) pointed to Carlisle and winked, then flew off, with magical capes. The crowd went, "ooh!"

The sun came back on, and so did the lights and the foggy stuff magical disappeared with a "Poof!"

Carlisle was on stage, with his shirt off.

'Hello, my name is Dr. Carlisle Cullen. I married to Esme; we have six kids we adopted. Their names are, Emmett, Rosalie, Jasper, Alice, Edward, and Bella. Emmett and Rosalie are married, Jasper and Alice are married, I think, and Edward and Bella are also married. Bella and Edward had Renesmee, a.k.a. Nessie. I'm also a really good doctor, I'm a sexy vampire, and my nickname is Dr. Sexy. I'm a vampire, but don't tell anyone. I will be your president! Woot!" he speeched. He threw his hands in the air, and ran down.

Everyone applauded _really_ uber loud.

Bush was sobbing and asking for Carlisle's phone number.

"Raise your hands if you want Billy to win!" Bush yelled into the microphone.

About 25.5% of the people raised their hands.

"Now, raise your hands if you want Dr. Sexy to win!" He yelled even louder.

About 70.5% of the people raised their hands.

"Woot, Dr. Sexy wins!" He yelled.

Everyone cheered and applauded. Carlisle and his family, (except Nessie,) ran up and started to strip tease. Carlisle is now the president.

Billy became really sad and depressed like, and got fat again, and lost his manly curves.

I bought him a really fat cat that recites poetry and sings. He named him Joe-Joe.

**A/N How was it? Stupid, funny? Review and tell me! Maybe I'll continue the story, and talk about the magical adventures of Joe-Joe! I write this before Obama became our president, so don't mind me. I just typed this up **_**really**_** late. Just tell me if you would like this magical unicorn pixie fairy story to continue. I'll give who ever reviews cookies when I get them! I love you all, (only if you review, though.) maximumtwilghtfan17 OUT!**


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